Strength In The Family
by Rocks-my-socks
Summary: They say in times of anguish, the loneliest place to be is in a room full of people; but sometimes, they are wrong... this is not Lisa's experience. A story about finding the strength in those you love the most in order to face your demons...  Lisa/Zak
1. The Family Lunch

_Disclaimer: _Neither plot nor characters are mine.

_Summary:_ They say in times of anguish, the loneliest place to be is in a room full of people; but sometimes, they are wrong...

**Strength in the Family **

She is going to cook a stew that lunch time. Lisa normally cooks a roast on a Sunday, but she does not think the family are going to care what they eat. She hates that. She wants them to care and whinge when she gets it wrong. But they're worried about her... and she knows it.

However, the strong minded matriarch is determined to change it. She is not going to allow them to waste their time thinking about her; she is fine – or at least, she is going to be. The family have to at least think she's fine.

She feels more herself though. She is glad she told Zak, _so glad_! She hates nothing more in the world than secrets between the two of them. She had heard some people say if your partner was also your 'mate' then the romantic aspect of your relationship would die out, but that had not been her experience. She loved her husband then as much, if not more, than the day she had married him. He was also her best friend. The fact he had not questioned her when she had said she had been raped told her he felt the same. The question of whether she was lying hadn't crossed his mind and it was never going to.

That's her solid grounding. That fact alone will carry her through.

He's struggling though; four days on since he had found out and she's seeing it more and more.

She hasn't seen that look of utterly uselessness in his eye since the day they had lost Shadrach; before that when their Sammy had lost Alice; and before that, Butch.

No, theirs is not an easy life; their large, boisterous and exasperating family ensures that. If it isn't one of their messes she is mopping up, it is another's.

And that is why she could not let them worry about _her_. She is too used to it being the other way around. She, with Zak, is head of the family; mistress of Wishing Well cottage. Most women would turn their nose at it, but not her. She loves her cottage. It is falling down around her half the time, the heating system barely works and the decor leaves much to be desired she knows; but she loves it, because it is home. She doesn't ever want to call another building home. It wasn't perfect to the majority, but it is to her; just like her family.

Belle and Zak might be the only ones she can legitimately lay claim to, but she sees no distinction between them and the others. Nellie may well have preceded her but she is Mrs Dingle and she is mother and aunt to every one of Zak's children, nieces and nephews.

Sammy is her son even if he doesn't call her mum; Samson, bless his heart, does call her 'nana'; Sarah and Noah love her reading stories to her, treating her as their own. Indeed, Sarah doesn't know life without her. Debbie she sees as another daughter, even if she doesn't tell her that enough. Chas and Gennie know they can come to her if they are in trouble and they are her dearest friends. The girls are well and truly under her wing, even if they don't always want to be there. Charity and Cain are laws on to their selves, but she loves them all the same and would do anything for the pair of them, even if they drive her crazy. Marlon is a sweet lad; dopey at times, but still one of her own. And even though he was a useless old drunk, she misses Shadrach and wonders if she could have done anything to help him in his last days.

They belong to her as she does to them. All of them and there wasn't a single one of them she wouldn't do anything for.

Belle comes over to her and offers to lay the table; it's a small sign of her concern, but Lisa sees it. It is not that the girl is not considerate or thoughtful, but every twelve year old has better things to do on a Sunday afternoon than lay the dinner table for their mother. Belle is trying to do little things to help and comfort her, not knowing that being in her mother's eye sight is comfort enough. Lisa accepts though, and a smile spreads over her daughter's face, hopeful that she is indeed helping through her small but practical deeds.

As she puts the finishing touches to the stew, her eyes stray to the sofas where Sam and Samson sit, the father trying to help his son read, struggling himself but persisting anyway. Alice would be proud Lisa thinks wistfully to herself. Sam will always get ten out of ten when it comes to trying with his son. He'll never stop trying to be a good dad.

In the arm chair, sits Sam's own father, under the guise of watching the horse racing which is on the TV. But Zak is not watching it and Lisa is not fooled. His pain is etched into his face, his anger pulsating through him as he tries to keep calm and control of himself. He knows her greatest fear is losing him but he can't stand what Derek has done to... her... to them...

It is not just her he has hurt.

When one Dingle bleeds, they all seem to lose blood. They feel one another's pain. But none seem to feel it such as deeply as she and Zak do.

She wants to cuddle him, tell him it's ok. But he has already lost face, he hasn't protected her. He doesn't want molly coddling. He _has_ to be the one looking after her. And after his pride has taken such a dent, Lisa can't bring herself knock it anymore.

He catches her eye and his face nevertheless softens. His eyes regain focus and he is the kind lover and father she adores as he surveys her cooking and Belle laying the table. For the twenty-first century family, they are nothing if not unconventional and she knows it. But they live by their own code, Dingle law. And if parts of their life appear to outsiders overly patriarchal, so be it. She knows who really put the money in the pot at the end of the week and so does he. She and her husband are partners, one hundred percent.

He opens his mouth to speak to her, but is interrupted by the incoming rabble from the village. The conversation dies before it is born.

Everyone has come for Sunday lunch. Some Sundays they get fifty percent of their family up and at others, they can number just five if it is only the residents of Wishing Well are eating. But even Aaron turns up to show his support for her that Sunday. She suspects Chas has played a part in getting him to come. The young lad rarely shows his face at the family seat, but that day, as he arrives,he kisses her cheek and asks if she's alright. He's worried over her too she realises.

She nods, she is fine! How's Jackson?

Five minutes past as everyone settles and finds a chair. The horse racing has already been switched off as Noah, Sarah and Samson insist their grandfather let them watch _Shrek_ for the fiftieth time. Zak doesn't care, and is so far the quietist member of their family that day.

Everyone is quiet to begin with, but as she hands out the tinnies, brews up for those who want it and fetches some lemonade (as it's a Sunday) for the children, the girls get chatting and laughing. They know it is what she wants and as Debbie, Charity, Chas and Gennie gossip round the table, she allows gossip of inconsequence to distract her. Apparently, Alicia is going on a date with Andy and Marlon has been to yoga that week. He protests loudly at the girls teasing; he only did it for Rhona and the baby! It's good for it!

Well, she didn't know she was having Belle till she had her in her arms, and that didn't make a difference she explains, not that he needs reminding. She probably drank too much unknowingly pregnant, but Belle is as bright as a button she says lovingly as her eyes stray to the distracted little girl who has now taken pride of place on her father's knee.

The remarkable similarities between her husband and daughter in that moment shock her. They are as troubled as each other, neither enjoying the film as Sarah, Samson and Noah are. At least Belle provides Zak with some comfort though she thinks and vice versa. Born so much later than her six siblings, Belle is the child who has got the best out of Zak. He is generally gently, patience and kind with her, and rarely does she have to wait for his attention if she really requires it, as the others had too due to the small gap between their births. She's his little princess (and she knows it). Spoilt, if only by their love, Belle, from the day she was born, has always been the apple of both of their eyes. At that moment as she huddles on Zak lap, he wraps his arms about her as he tries to look after her and shield her as well as work through his own sorrow, but it has trapped him as a jail does its prisoner.

She doesn't have a key to get him out; not yet.

Similarly, like Zak, Cain broods in the corner. His eyes reveal to her his dark thoughts. Cain troubles her. She knows if one of the family were to wind up Zak in to going after Derek its him. She can't and won't lose either of them. She refuses too.

There is not a person in the room she can't read like a book, just as she can Cain. For now, they are all too scared to turn the page to find out what tomorrow will reveal to them.

And so they hide away in there tradition and there homestead, hoping life will soon deal them a kinder hand.

The stew is ready by three, as dinner is always on a Sunday. Assorted plates come out the cupboard as well as a few smaller bowls in order to feed what feels the five thousand. It doesn't matter how much they're served in their first helping. There is plenty more in the pot to go around.

Dishing up the beef stew is a military operation in which she has to dance around Chas and Gennie as they unsuccessfully try to ensure everyone has a drink as well as keep out from under her feet. They can only do one or the other, not that she tells them. Just like Belle, she knows they are only trying to help.

After ten minutes, everyone has a place at the table. Zak struck down her suggestion they eat as and where they were on the sofas to save squeezing round the table. He wants them all to sit at the table with him at the head of it. He wants to feel as if he is protecting them, and if sitting the head of the table does that, she won't argue.

Suddenly, what happened is no longer just about her. It is about the ripples and the effects. And it is effecting them all without exception.

She is seated between her clingy daughter and brooding husband at the table. The family have a quiet moment before they dig in to the stew. Despite their names, none of them are over religious. They spend the moment, not in pray but in hope; and they all hope Derek gets his just desserts for what he has done to _their _Lisa; their mother hen. She wouldn't hurt a fly. But if any of them could get their hands on him then, they'd teach him the meaning of pain. They'd show him how they all felt right there and then.

Under the table, as if they are teenagers, Lisa squeezes Zak's hand. He winks at her knowingly, and he picks up his fork. It takes the others no time at all to follow his lead.

It doesn't take a lot for the discussion to break the silence either. It's spontaneously shattered in fact! She can hear the girls moaning about their ill luck with men and Chas stating her disbelief that Carl is_ still_ swanning about the village as if he owns it. Noah and Samson agree they want to go to the cinema to see _Tangled _next weekend if only they can find someone to take them. Debbie is telling Sarah, yes, she does have to eat her carrots, while Sam is looking on in annoyance as Charity and Cain exchange insults, thinking they are far enough down the table for her and Zak to not hear.

The family are united though when Marlon comments on the stew; its lovely, high praise indeed coming from him. The others agree. It's lovely, just what they had hoped she was going to make. Even though she can taste it is not up to her own usual standards, even though she knew they were probably looking forward to a roast with all the trimming, she nods at her family's sentiments none the less.

The one whose eats least that meal is Zak. He barely touches it, as he barely touched his fry up that morning. He didn't sleep last night, and nor did he eat the day before.

He's barely functioning and a few worried glances pass around the table that Lisa wasn't meant to see, but sees anyway, tells her that. It isn't just her; the others can see it too. She is exhausted and so is her husband but they need to be there for one another more than anything.

And they both have to be there for Belle.

But as everyone else clears their plates and bowls and in some cases ask for more, he can't manage his first helping. The meal draws to a close and he soon escapes and goes to check on the pigs. They had both agreed to go ahead with Sunday lunch to try to keep things normal. Now, she wonders if they did the right thing.

She goes back to the kitchen side boards with the empties. They are going to keep till everyone goes. For the second time she does a round of drinks with many more of them opted for a brew rather than another can – they all have work in the morning, after all.

Is she going in tomorrow?

She isn't sure yet – probably, but she'll see how things go. It's not as if she can afford a day off. god only knew they needed every penny they could get in the pot. As usual, she is strapped for cash.

She's given Zak enough time to cool off – when she is sure the others aren't watching her every move she grabs her cardigan and opens the door. You can tell February is drawing to a close, for the first signs of spring are coming to Yorkshire. It isn't too cold that day.

She doesn't have to look for Zak, he is standing by the pig pen. Dangerously, Cain apparently gave her the slip and gets to her husband before she got the chance to. She is going to go over to them both, until she sees Zaks shoulders rise and fall to quickly involuntarily. His booming voice insists Cain leave him be, but when his son wraps his arms about him, Zak seems to understand that he can't hold in what he feels anymore and so he sobs in Cain's arm, just as she had done Thursday when she had come clean to him.

She hides in the door way, out of their view, but able to see them from where she stands.

The picture is indeed worth a thousand words and describes to Lisa just how cut up her husband is – but he is more than cut up, he is simply and utterly heartbroken for her. Her own resolve weakens as she hears him bemoans his own conduct to his son.

He _should_ have been **there**, _should_ have **known**, _should_ have seen the **signs**! Why didn't she come to him sooner? Cain doesn't think she feared him, does he? She didn't think he would turn her back on her? Not over this!

No he doesn't, but he does think Lisa's never knew fear like what Derek installed in her before. She probably did damn well to tell him at all. And how could he have known if Lisa was quiet. Derek has disguised himself as a man and a friend – they couldn't see the beast or the rapist.

But due to the fact he seemed to be a friend; he had been in the house! He spent time with Belle and Samson, alone no less! When he thinks now ... what he would like to do to his so called friend – but he can't. Lisa won't allow it; they went to the police Friday! But he can't just do nothing! he has to do something to soothe his own conscience.

Cain nods and tells his father to bid his time. If, and probably when the police fail, then will be the time when the two of them can take the law into their own hands. They have to do things Lisa's way first, it isn't right otherwise. They have to respect what she wants. But if it fails, they then go their own path. Either way, that beast is not going to get away with what he does. He is going suffer.

This thought comfort Zak, his tears dry and he is soon standing as tall as he can again. The burden on his shoulders is just slightly eased and so he can carry it.

She turns and goes into the cottage. What she heard did not comfort her as it did her husband but at least she knows what they are planning. She can remain one step ahead of the pair of them. _Happy Feet_ is now on the TV and taking her own brew; she goes and sits on the arm chair nearest the door, noting how despite Zaks absents, sensitively perhaps, none of the younger members of their family have sat in his chair.

She is settled with Debbie on one side, Marlon on the other and with Samson on her lap by the time Zak has composed himself enough to come back in. Their grandson is tired, all the tell tale signs are there, even down to the fact his hand is a little nearer his mouth even if he has now outgrown sucking his thumb. Lisa is the only mother figure he has and he rests on her as any child would its mother. His eyes remain open though to watch the animation even though he is too tired to get the jokes and isn't concentrating.

Is she ok? Zak checks as he crosses the room, his hand absentmindedly stroking back some of her hair as he stands behind her momentarily. He is not crowding her, but he is checking on her more often than normal. There is a fine line, but he is yet to cross it. She is fine, she nods as she shows him there sleepy grandson earning a small chuckle. Zak kisses her forehead and crosses to his armchair. He is calmer and they can all see it. It reassures the others and just a little, the mood lightens.

As the film ends, everyone who has to walk back to the village takes it as there queue to go. Debbie has got to get Sarah up for school and she doesn't want her to be as moody as 'Grumpy' Cain. Gennie nods, if they're going back, so will she. She wants an early night anyway. Aaron wants to look in on Jackson before he goes back to Mill cottage. Eager no doubt for the latest on her son's love life, Chas goes too and Noah and Charity to have to return to the Sharmas.

In a flurry of kisses she is told she is loved, they are there for her and is there is anything they can do then she only has to ask. They'll see her tomorrow at some point no doubt, even if she does take it easy for the day (which is not a bad idea!). Marlon shuts the door as the last one out that day.

The rabble left as fast as they came in, and Lisa is left with her immediate family, but the day is not over yet – or, at least not all of the them. By half seven the day does end for an exhausted Samson. The baby of the house still, he is carried up to bed by his dad after kissing his nana and granddad and waving goodnight to his auntie. Tomorrow was, after all, a school day and just as Debbie and Charity, she didn't want any trouble getting them off to school in the morning.

She turns to her daughter. Can Belle go and feed the pigs before going off to have a shower, then whatever time she has till nine she has free she can do what she wants with.

Relaxed after the day with her cousins in which her mum seemed to chill out, Belle sighs. Does she have too?

Yes! She does, Zak tells her straight. And if she doesn't do as she is asked, she can go straight to bed after her shower. Belle scuttles off quickly.

Left alone with his wife at last, Zak sighs. He was too stern with his daughter, to quick to come to his wife's defence and he knows it. After twelve years, Lisa can handle Belle just fine and did not need him and his size elevens wading in... It's just...

Lisa knows. He doesn't have to tell her... she kisses his forehead and he surprises her as he pulls her into his lap for a second. She giggles – with the weight of the pair of them on it; he's going to break the chair.

But the two of them fall silent and hold on to each other for a moment. They had survived another day as the heads of their rough and ready family. They were going to be ok as well.

It's his turn to kiss her as she gets up. Won't she just relax?

No, the washing up won't do itself!

Can't she leave it till morning?

He knows she likes a clean house before she turns in.

Well, then what can he do to help?

Keep out from under her feet! It's her routine, and it keeps her sane. He should have a brew or a can and read the paper. She is fine, and she wants him to stop worrying.

He nods, he knows. But his eyes tell her he is not going to for quite some time yet. Not until all this has come to a close, one way or the other.

She turns to the sink. The bowls and plates tower before her as they do every day. She turns on the tap, squirting the washing up liquid in to the bowl. Before she puts her hands in the warm, suddy water, she removes the only piece of jewellery that means a thing to her – her wedding ring. She does not put value on material things and knows she never will. But the ring is precious to her as is what it symbolises. She turns to flick on the kettle. She needs a brew as much as her husband does.

Once two mugs are filled with warm, sweet tea she turns to the task at hand, and in spite of the initial heat of the water, by the time that she has finished the washing up, Lisa hands hurt. She is a working lass and she has working lasses hands. The back of the are red raw from the winter, assaulted by the wind on various freezing mornings when she has to rush everyone out to school and work, having checked they have gloves, all too often she leaves her own on the table. Then there is the endless washing, mucking out and packing of sweet boxes she has to do at work. She can't wait for the summer to heal them.

Summer will warm her through she muses.

After the washing up, she wipes down the table so that it is clean for when the kids come down for breakfast. Zak is on the school run tomorrow with Samson, as Sam is going to have to go up to Home Farm early to mend a fence. He can drop Belle off on the way.

She decides to go to bed early and rise early to get the next clothes wash on. She could do it that evening, but her bed is calling and she wants to go to it. As kind as everyone has been to her, it has drained her having to admit to her family she has been raped. The pain she passes on to them almost hurts her more than Derek did and that admission breaks something in her. But she can cope she thinks as she watches her daughter come down the stairs in her dressing gown, her hair brushed out but wet.

Belle has packed her bag for the morning already, and is going to go up early that night she explains quietly. Can she take a mug of hot chocolate up?

Lisa nods, of course she can. As she turns to get the milk out the cupboards, Belle wraps her arms about her and Lisa knows without looking in to her eyes she is on the verge of tears. Her father's sternness installed guilt in her. She did not mean to cheek her mother or being unhelpful! She's sorry!

Now it is Zak feeling guilty. As Lisa makes the girl a hot chocolate, her father says apologises to her. He didn't mean to snap. He is just – this is an odd situation. He doesn't know how to cope, but if all of them cut one another some slack, things will be easier... for what it's worth, he is sorry to. He genuinely didn't mean to upset her.

By the time the drink it made, Belle is back in her dads arms and the two of them are sharing a joke. Any harsh words are forgotten.

Lisa's exhausted – she's going up. Zak nods – he'll lock up and be right up as well.

Both of them kiss Belle goodnight and she goes off to her room for the evening.

She showers quickly, never being one to enjoy a long shower. Asides from the fact that she doesn't have the time to relax in there, she finds she can't find any peace as she is on her own. She only feels herself when she is with her family sometimes now.

She goes through her bedroom once she has her pyjamas and her dressing gown is on to find Zak already in bed, vest and pyjama bottoms on, as knackered out as she is. It has been a long day, emotionally, yet in spite of it all she enjoyed it. She loves having the kids over, and just for a time she found she was able to forget what she can't when she looks into her husband's sad eyes.

He is desperate even now to step in and save her from Derek. But he can't go back in time – he cannot undo what has been done.

Both of them needs the others comfort, so wordlessly, she gets into bed and lets him wrap his arms about her, loving and kind, so familiar. There are not many Zak's in the world; she wouldn't give hers up for all the tea in china. The kisses that pass between them that night aren't as passionate as usual but they are far more intimate now there are no secrets between them.

She feels safe. He sleeps nearest the door. No one can get to her without going through him and he won't let anyone hurt her.

They say in times of anguish, the loneliest place to be is in a room full of people; but sometimes, they are wrong... that is not her experience. Not that day. Her family are her greatest comfort. And they are always going to be.

The last thing Lisa feels that night is Zaks hand squeeze her own, and she knows Derek will never hurt her again.

**_Author Note:_** the sensational performances of Steve Halliwell and Jane Cox this week got me inspired to write this. Zak and Lisa have long been favourite characters of mine and I think the Dingles might just be my favourite fictional family ever (even above the Weasley's!). I have grown up watching them and the rape story line has really got to me. Between this plot and the others, Emmerdale is just on incredible form right now.

I was going to leave this as a one shot but don't think I can leave it here; I think it might turn into a series of one shots until Derek gets what's coming to him.

I hope you enjoyed it :)

_Please review!_


	2. The Endless Night

**Chapter 2**

That day had been a trial for him and he had to admit it to himself. Zak Dingle had been glad when Lisa had said she was going to go to bed for he had not wanted to leave her on her own even just downstairs and the last thing he had wanted to do was to suggest they go up to her. He didn't know why, it was silly - but he feels sensitive about saying such things to his wife since he had learnt what the man – the _thing _- he had taken to be a friend had done to her. She knows he would never, ever... but he doesn't know what is right or wrong to say in this situation, no one does.

The one thing he does know is that he truly wants to kill Derek; there was no two ways about it. It was not just his pride but everything else in him which is cursing the fact he was letting that _thing_ live on when he has put his Lisa through so much. He doesn't deserve life and Zak does care if he is playing God. He had a right to didn't he? Lisa was his wife and he was her husband and on their wedding day, he had sworn come what may he was going to protect her – and for the first time, he has broken that promise.

That is the way he feels and after what Derek had done to Lisa...

He should have been there to keep her safe. He had said it to her Thursday and he wanted to tell her there and then but he didn't want to upset her just before she went to sleep. It was better he left her be so she has some hope of sweeter dreams.

For himself, he knew it was going to be another night of clock watching. He is generally a good sleeper until he hits times of stress. It had been in the wake Ben's death, the first time he had had to battle with insomnia; but it had been worst after he had lost Butch.

Looking back, he knows it was wrong, but Butch had been his favourite son, deep down. He had had five, but that lad had been his favourite even when they were all kids. It wasn't that he didn't love the others...

But that had been the way he felt at the time. And as a result he had taken his death terribly as any loving father takes the death of any son.

For a time, he had even pushed Lisa away. She had moved out; asides from when he had been to Chilli, it had been the only period in their marriage where the two of them had been apart for any significant length of time. Belle had been a tiny little thing when her big brother had died, not knowing how much joy Butch had found when the surprise of his dads life had come along.

He had never thought to have another child with Lisa. Even then he had thought he was getting on a bit. Lisa had said she regretted not having kids, but then she had been with Barry and he had not been the right man for her.

It had always meant to be the two of them – they both knew that now.

But the way they had seen it, kids had just was not on the cards. They were in their forties and happy just with one another. To be together at the time was enough. If he had been asked, he would probably have even said he did not want to go through early fatherhood again for he had had all that with the others – the disturbed sleep, the dirty nappies.

Of course, from the moment he had seen Belle that was it, he had lost his heart all over again and the way he had felt about becoming a dad again changed completely. She had come along, so he might as well enjoy her. She had been the tiny spitting image of her mum, at least in his eyes. There had never been a question over him not wanting her. She is his and he can't image life without her, he couldn't from the very first second. He loves his little girl; he dotes on her more than he did Tina; and he is fiercely proud of her. He won't and can't picture what his life would be had they not had her now.

Just as he **refuses** to picture life without his wife.

Exhausted at last, Lisa has gone to sleep next to him, but she still holds on to his hand as if it is her very own life line. The two of them on a normal night slept opposite sides of the bed not even thinking about contact once they had had their fun, if they had it at all that night. As they get older, it is more of a rarity any way and that was how they slept; they always had. Opposite sides of the bed.

But since the attack it is as if she can't bear him to be out of her sight. He saw the look in her eye when she told him. As much as she knows he loves her, for she _has_ to know that, she had doubted he was going to stand by her. Even now she can't let go for fear he is going to turn her out.

But that he silently swears is never going to happen. He will not allow it, he refuses; he might be the poorest man in the village, but he is king at Wishing Well. His word is Dingle Law.

Of all the days in his life, her broken confession to him ranks among the top ten worst. Probably in the top three, along with the days he lost Ben and Butch. He had handled the day he had got cancer. Gladly would he endure it ten times over if it meant he could save his wife from what she went through.

He struggles even to think the word; it is dirty and cheap and does not convey any of the emotions he feels it should.

But it is always, always now going to be there in the back of his mind.

_**Rape. **_

It is so cruel. It's so ugly. And he still can't accept, or part of him can't, that it applies to his beautiful wife. She is a rape victim. That someone could be as cruel as to rape her or any women to that matter is beyond his comprehension completely.

He knows his family are scallies and lawbreakers. The morals of the Dingles are never going to win any prizes; they leave a lot to be desired, he knows. But he can say this for the Dingle men. None of them would ever do _that_. And if they did, then their own would not hand them to the police. They would kill them there and then for disgracing the family name.

He kisses his wife's hand as he lays there in the darkness. He doesn't seriously expect any intruders, but he has to keep watch. He feels as if he has failed time and time again of late. Every time he permitted that _thing_ to come on to his land he committed offenses both against Lisa and Belle (and Sam and Samson for that matter), for he had not been protecting them.

He can only thank the god he struggles to believe in was that Derek didn't touch a hair on Belle's head when they were alone; had things been different, what Lisa wanted wouldn't have come into it. He would kill for his baby girl in a heartbeat.

And that's how bad things have got – he has to be Derek didn't harm his twelve year old daughter...

His throat is tight. He feels as if he wants to scream out in his anger but he knows he can't. What happened is not about him or the way it makes him feel. It is about his wife and he has to remember that. Yes, it has affected him. But he feels so selfish. What he feels or thinks really doesn't matter, not in his head. He has to keep focus on his wife.

He notes she is more peaceful that night as she slumbers on unaware he is as wide awake then as he was at two o'clock that afternoon. When he looks back on the way she behaved over the past month he can't believe he did not pick up something was seriously wrong. He just thought she was stressed over money and that was why she was snapping at everything that moved. Due to that, he had tried to keep out the way, thinking about how little money he has been bringing home of late. Selfishly, he had thought of himself before he had thought of her.

There were others signs he thinks now. She hadn't been sleeping. Last month she had been the one awake for nights on end, not him. Yet he had rolled over and slept on, sleep induced by pints he had had with Derek –

He takes a deep breath.

Asides from the deed itself, the thing that horrifies him most about the entire situation was that his wife did not come to him sooner. Had she, then he knew he could have saved her from a lot of pain. When he thinks of all the times he brought Derek back to the house.

But what was beyond belief was that it had even crossed her mind that he might choose to believe Derek, a man he has known five minutes, over herself, his wife of twelve rather happy years. They have had their troubles and he can't deny it. He has even been the source of trouble between the two of them which he bitterly regrets.

But he thought she knew he trusts her implicitly. If she said she was raped, then he was not going to question it. He was just going to make sure it could never happen again.

A rare tear falls down his face. Of all the challenges he has had to face this one hurts almost the most. But he was going to be there for her and protect her now that he could.

As if subconsciously she knows he was getting upset, his wife moves close to him and her hand reaches across to hug him. He questions whether she is really asleep but her rhythmic breathing confirms she is. He shifts himself so he can put her arms about her and pushes his lips momentarily to her forehead before shutting his eyes at last.

For all the fact that he isn't sleeping that does not mean he too is not exhausted. Lisa just has had a lot longer to think of strategies to cope with what was happening than he has.

His eyes stray to the clock. Its two already, and thoughts of what have gone on have been going round and round his head since they went to bed five hours ago. By the time that another five hours have passed he is going to be up. He has already made up his mind he is going to try and get her to call in and ask for another day at home, for his sake if not for hers. He wants her to himself for a while.

He had found out Thursday. Friday, the pair of them had been to the police and she had had to pluck up to courage to tentatively explain to Belle and to Sammy what had gone on. Saturday, Belle had barely left her mother for a moment and that day they had had the motley crew over so he felt he had hardly seen her really.

And he wanted to be with her. If she was out of his eye sight then he was going to be constantly wondering and worrying where she was and who was with her. He had to know for his own peace of mind.

But he knows until that monster was behind bars (or worse) he was not going to get any peace.

His minds trials back over the weekend as he holds on to her, his head resting on hers as she continues to cuddle into him. The worst moment of it was without a doubt on Friday when she came out of that police station with him.

_Lisa walks slowly out of the room, hugging her jumper about her. For the first time since the rape happened, she has relived every moment. She told the officer everything she remembered, she is sure she hasn't left anything out. She feels dirty once more, his hands all over her, just as she did after the attack and she wants nothing more than a shower to get any traces of Derek off of her. In her head, he is all over her once more._

_She's trebling and there is not a thing she can do about it - as the tears cascade on to her cheeks, she feels as if she is going to fall over any moment. She is not strong enough for this._

"_You did very well today, Mrs Dingle." She is told by the younger women at her side. She knows things about her she would not even tell her husband..._

_Her husband..._

"_I want to see Zak." She says looking down the long corridor. She suddenly feels as if she is the one in jail and she has an urge to run. She wants her husband._

"_Ok, well we still have things to discuss – where we go from here, but it is obvious you need a break," she says sympathetically and knowing now she is not going to be stopped from seeing him, Lisa picks up the pace. _

_She had said to him when she came out she wanted to be able to step into his arms and the time for that has come. She pushes the door open and panics for a moment when she cannot see him straight away. But once she looks round the post, he is there as he had said he was going to be and as soon as he sees her he is on his feet, crossing the room to hold her. Unintentionally, the hug he gives her is so strong it feels as if it will crush her, but she welcomes the sensation almost._

"_It's ok, it's ok," he soothes as soon as she is in his arms even though they both know it is a far way from ok. But he is there and that's enough._

_She does not sob as she did the night before, but the tears none the less continue to trickle down her face, almost silently. The whimpers that do escape are that of a mouse. When he tries to pull back, she doesn't allow it and he quickly holds her tighter, knowing it is what his wife needs. _

_The two of them don't usually partake in public displays of affection – they are hardly in the first flush of young love, but nothing about that moment is normal. Two Dingles in cop shop without one of them being guilty was among the first oddities about the situation._

_As he holds her, his hand finds her back and he rubs circles on it like he did with his children when they were babies and he can't help but think Lisa in that moment is just as vulnerable as they had been. The young women his wife spoke to looks on at them. She still has to talk to them more than if she is hovering but he wants to bark at her to back off nevertheless. Can't she see it is all too much for his wife? Is she blind? _

_When Lisa eventually takes her face out his shoulder, she looks up at him with exhausted eyes, framed by dark circles. The rest of her face it deathly pale. _

"_I just have to talk to her for a little _longer_... t-t-then will y-you take me home-e-e?" she pleads and he nods without thinking about it. She is shivering. _

_He has never wanted to take her home so much in their life together._

"_Course I will, love, of course I will." He says as he kisses her and holds on to her hand. _

He holds her a little closer as tears once more sting at him.

He adores her – and he is glad she told him eventually. But selfishly part of him misses the past already, the ignorance which had cocooned him. When she had told him to sit down so she could unburden herself to him in the beginning, he thought Sam or Belle had done something. Nothing like this ever happens to her – not his Lisa. She is on the side lines of the drama, not at the heart of it. And his whole world has shattered because his world revolved around her and their family – and she is the core of that world. She is the heart of it...

And he can't bare the fact she has been violated.

If she said no, then she meant **no** and there was not a person on the planet that had the right too – too...

He is distracted from his thoughts his wife jerks awake and sits right up, a small cry emerging from her lips. She breathes quickly as if she is trying to get her breathe back after running.

She has had a nightmare; she doesn't have to tell him. And it only succeeds at making him feel more useless. He can't even guard her dreams properly.

Having promptly sat up when she came round, wordlessly, Lisa returns to Zaks arms. They are the only fortress she has against Derek it seems and she never wants to leave them. They're the only place in the world she wants to be.

She looks up at him as her breathing gets back to normal and he sees the front she puts on for the kids slip away. She can't be strong twenty four hours of the day. Someone has to see her hurt – him. She can't, she won't allow the others to see it. But see needs to tell him. The desperation in her eyed causes a physical pain in his chest. Unable to do much else, he holds her close and runs the other hand calmingly through her hair, desperate to lull her back into a more peaceful sleep.

"Zak, I don't want to get up in the morning."

"I'll drop by the factory when I drop Samson and Belle off – they are not going to be expecting you anyway." He tries to brush away her worries. Her wish is his command.

"You don't understand – I don't want to get up on Tuesday or Wednesday either. Zak, I feel like I can't face it."

"Of course you can. You are strong enough for this, love," he mutters as he cuddles her. He is not going to allow that man to destroy her. Not Lisa. He is going to pull her through this kicking and screaming if he has to but she is going to recover. He'll make sure of it...because if she isn't there then he isn't going to want to get up in the morning and then the family falls apart. And that can't happen. The centre has to hold or everything else crumbles.

"And if I am not?"

"You are. _We_ are."

He knows it is about her but he is not going to allow her to think that she is in this alone now.

They are in it together whether they want to be there or not. And he knows he has a hard road to walk with his wife now. But as he has been reminded on various occasions that week, he made vows to her – unbreakable promises. The woman in his arms is not only his wife, but his dearest friend and the mother of his precious daughter. There is not another person in the world who he could ever love as he does her. She is the love of his life, he knows it.

'The love of his life'; what a cliché. But it is true. She is everything and more to him.

She is his _wife_.

"I am so glad I have you," She admits to him hopelessly, as she shut her eyes once more. He knows she is going to have a million days coming up when she does not want to get out of bed. He knows he is going to have those days as well.

But they will get through this together. As long as one of them is up when the other is down...

He looks at the clock again – its four thirty. The first light is soon going to be creeping into their room.

Then the week was going to begin. He had to get his daughter and his grandson to school and he had to get breakfast ready for them both as well for he was not going to get his wife up to do that. She was staying where she was.

And then Sam was going to go to work and they were going to sort out the bills and what food they needed to get in for the coming week. And part of him found it horrific they were going to have to do such menial tasks when something so catastrophic has happened...

The next thing he knows is there_ is_ an intruder in the room, but not one he is overly anxious about. His eyes stray for one last time to the clock. Quarter to six. Fifteen more minutes in bed till he has to get up to shower, feed the pigs...

Shifting over in the bed, he lets his daughter come under the covers into the warmth. Belle had grown out of coming into their bed rather late he thought. At age seven she was still inclined to try and worm her way in between them every night – and at times they had relented when they were too tired to argue with her. He thought it was another sign that he and Lisa had been a little more indulgent of her than he and Nellie had been of there children but there it was.

But if she wants an extra cuddle, he is not going to deny her just then. The truth is he needs it too.

Knowing her as he does, he knows she has had a rough sleep. It was not surprising; she has never had to come up against something like this; to realise something could hurt her warm, caring mother. And she knew it was worst than her mother had admitted to her. She knew it.

"You ok, pet?" he asks quietly as he hugs her. Her eyes wonder to the opposite side of her father where her mother is curled up, relatively peacefully.

"Is she?" Belle turns round the question.

Zak has to be honest and so he shacks his head. She is a long way from alright.

"She will be," he nods, wanting to offer some comfort to her at least. He is going to make sure of that... but for that moment; it is the best answer he can give to her.

"Dad, can't stay at home today?" Belle asks nervously. He saw the coming question a mile off when it was still in Hotton. She is not going to feign being sick – she isn't going to insult her mum and dad's intelligence like that at a time like this. But at the same time, she doesn't want to leave the two of them. Not at the moment.

But the truth is she knew what the answer her dad is going to give her before she has even asked the question.

"Fraid not petal," he says as he kisses her forehead. "You have to get into school and get that big old brain of yours even bigger. Don't worry about mum, I'll look after her."

"And who is going to look after you?"

"Oh love," he says as he shacks his head. "Your old dad doesn't need looking after."

"Yeah, you do."

Knowing she is not going to let it go, he sighs and lays back further. The truth is nothing would please him more than if the three of them could stay there just as they were for the day, tucked up and safe. But that was not going to happen. He has to be firm with Belle about getting her in to school. He did not want her ending up like him. But it was not easy at that moment.

He would find it only to easy to let her stay home.

"Well, maybe I do a little," he conceded to her. "I will let you make me a cup of tea when you get home ok?"

"That's good of yer."

"Isn't it?"

Belle scowled at him for it was not the answer she had been looking for at all.

He knew she was dreading school and that she did not want to leave home that day. If he and her mother didn't then it went without saying she was not going to want too.

Knowing she is not going to win this time, Belle falls silent and together with her dad waits for six o'clock to come. In order to prevent the alarm from waking his wife, Zak turns it off at 5.59. He and his daughter are wide awake and neither are going to oversleep.

"Go on Poppet," he says to his daughter as they both get out of bed. Belle does as she is told and is soon off to get ready for school. As she opens the door, he can already hear the two Sam's moving about, the pair of them always having been early birds.

Yawning, Zak rubs the sleep from his eyes and his hands down his face. He's dog tired.

"Zak?"

Lisa is only half awake, bless her. He leans across the bed to tuck her in. "I am going to get the kids ready ok? Stay where you are Mrs Dingle, I've got this one. I'll bring you up a brew just before we go ok?"

She nods and after a morning kiss, he picks up his clothes so he can change in the bathroom so he doesn't disturb her and walks out of their bedroom.

After all, the pigs won't feed themselves.

_Please review!_


	3. The Bruises

**Chapter 3**

Knowing that she is not going to go into work that day after all, Lisa indulges in a rare lie in. The usually active woman is happy to stay in bed as the world moves about her.

She can hear Zak and the kids moving about of course. The creaking of the floor boards and her knowledge of the house allows her to track their every move, even though she is upstairs. Maybe due to the fact that she she is having a bit of time to herself she hears Zak and Sam tell shh the children more than once.

Zak does not want her disturbed.

She, on the other hand, knows it doesn't matter. She is awake now – she is not going to go back off. Belle and Samson could be as loud as they liked and it would not make a bit of difference to her.

After half an hour she hears the call for everyone to get their coats on and she knows they are

She hears the van fire up and she knows that he is off. The kids are going to be at school and Sam is going to be up at Home Farm for the day.

She is glad Zak dealt with the school run that that day, for as much as she loved her daughter, she did not think she would have the energy or the will power to get her to go in to school that day if she had asked her if she was allowed to stay home. Though she and Zak agree on most things, the thing that they agree on most in the world is the paramount importance of Belle getting a good education. They know there is no shame in it but they do not want her to be a pig farmer when she grows up. She can do a lot more.

Thoughts of her daughter keep her fears at bay. As long as she is thinking of Belle she can ignore the permanently sick feeling within her. She meant what she had said to her husband during the night – she does not think she has the strength to get up every day for the rest of her life just then.

She can't face what Derek has turned her into and she does not know how to get the old Lisa back. The woman she was has gone from her...

She sits up. She does not want to wallow if she can help it even if it does feel overwhelming. She doesn't wallow.

With shaking hands, she reaches for the sweet tea Zak brought her as he had said he was going to before he left. He is trying to do what he thinks is right but she can see it that he feels out of his depth. But then, they all are.

Even though it goes against all her instinct, she gets out of bed and slowly dressed, careful to cover the last of the bruises. She has kept herself covered since it happened, and if she can help it she will till her skin is as it was before the rape once more. Zak doesn't needs to see them. And she wants to protect him just as much as he does her.

He is a good man. In fact, she thinks she is the best of men. That was why she had said she would marry him. That is why she was so glad he was the father of her daughter.

But he is passionate too... and she knows passion can cause as much pleasure as it can pain.

The fact he is so on edge and protective sets the alarms bells in her head off – he is in a state, the like she hasn't seen him in for quite a time.

She wants to hold him and tell him is ok – but that is his job, to hold, to comfort.

The living room feels to empty without him and the kids there with her when she goes downstairs. And she feels that vulnerability which is always greater when she is on her own. She does not think she has ever thought of herself as vulnerable before.

She should be one of the protectors of the family.

But when no one is there to be protected, how could you be a protector?

She switches on the kettle and sits on the sofa. She wants Zak there she realises, more than anything. The room is too big without him and she knows Derek is still on the loose. It is unthinkable that he would come to the house but ... she had thought a few weeks ago it would be unthinkable that a friend of hers would...

Alfie comes to her side and she is glad. The mongrel is as much part of their family as anyone else and he is a great comfort to her as he puts her sleepy head on her lap.

He is not much of a morning animal.

Then there is the quiet of the morning, the birds noisily singing in the trees that surrounded the house and the odd oink of a pig. The sounds that are as much part of Wishing Well as the people.

So the two of them sit down until Zak returns. She knows as soon as she goes out of the house she is going to be able to be able to put a brave face on it. And she knows when Belle and Sam come in she can. But when it is just her, Zak and the dogs.

It is just too difficult...

When Zak does return from dropping everyone off at work and school, the front door opens abruptly and she jumps out her skin. She did not even think she would but she does.

He sees the look on her face before she can hide it, for she would have if she could.

"Just me love," he says, his voice confirming what her eyes can see. He walks over to her and he kisses her forehead. "I hoped that you were going to be in bed when I got back still – I was going to make you breakfast in bed."

"Not hungry," she shrugs as he sits down by her and gives a deep sigh. Having removed his coat, he keeps his boots on. She knows he is going to be working on the farm all day and she knows he is not going to go poaching. He is not going to go so far from her yet. He can't bring himself to do it.

"Well you have got to look after yourself love," he says to her as the two of them sit there with Alfie. Zak strokes him as he shuts his eyes. Alfie seems to be the one being in the world that her husband is truly comfortable around.

She knows from the fact she got a good night's sleep that he did not her. Her husband is nothing if not a snorer. When he first started doing it she had found it rather annoying, but now it is a comforting noise which she can sleep through and misses when it is not there.

"And so do you," she replies, putting her hand over his as they sit, quietly together. "Belle get off ok?" she changes the subject.

"Bless her, I do not think she wanted to go in today – wants to be with you."

"Well her education has to come first."

He agrees with a grunt. "Why don't I make you a brew?" Zak asks. She nods – she has had enough tea to fill a river and yet he is itching to do something so it is best to let him be occupied. If he is not then she fears what he will do, if he has to try and occupy himself. It is far better than he do things about the house for her than...

He gets up and does things quietly. She can see this destroying him from the inside out. He is too subdued. He knows when her husband does burst out he is going to be more violent than ever.

Unless he doesn't...

Unless he does respect her wishes. He has mellowed since they married. He is not the man she met any more, he is softer, and it makes her love him more. So, just maybe, he will not talk with his fists this time as he has done countless times in the past.

The two of them spend the morning in discussion but the two of them ignore the elephant in the room where ever they can, even when it is not off their mind for a single moment. They speak about the groceries they need. It is going to be a run in to Hotton for them – he can take Belle when he picks her up, she'll help him. They need to start thinking about going on the veggie patch too. It will cut down on bills in the summer months if they can grow their own. Oh and Emily rang Lisa tells Zak – she's heard_ it_ on the great vine already and wants to visit them.

They are still her in laws and for all the business with Sarah, Butch loved her deeply. They owe it to him to see her, Lisa reminds Zak.

"Ok, we'll sort it out," he nods.

It is then he goes out to feed the animals and clean them out. Working a farm is a constant job and though, she teases him about being feckless he does work hard. The one thing that is always sorted when she gets home are the pigs. She decides to make him stake that evening. If he does not eat it then Sammy will, but she has to try and temp him into eating. He has to keep functioning.

They both do.

She is trying to get on with the house work when she hears her husband talking to someone outside and when she moves to the window to see who it is she sees Debbie.

She is a good girl now, considering how much of monkey she had been when she first turned up on their doors. Though she was adopted out of the family Lisa feels as if she had been in her life forever and she knew if she were ever not there then she would feel a huge hole in the family. It had been bad enough when she and Sarah had been away in Jersey.

She had missed them both a lot.

She watches the girl as she speak to her grandfather and she wonders if she is having any more luck than she has had over the last few days. If she is having more then she is not envious. Good luck to the girl – someone has to get through to Zak and it might as well be Debbie.

Any thought she may have had about going out to greet her are taking away from how deeply her husband and the girl soon seem to become immersed in their conversation. It does not take a genius to work out what they are discussing.

It seemed it was the day for the getting visitors for she had seen her husband talking to Jai earlier – he had not come in to say hello but it had been nice to know he was thinking of them. No doubt Zak had darned him off of her.

She gets on with what she had been doing but even still she cannot stop herself from keeping going over to the window to see the two of them. Zak she knows has always tried to do what was best for his grandchild but it seems as if she is the one who is doing the consoling that day. Just like herself she has had a lot longer to come to terms what has happened and now she is trying to be strong for the proud man.

And she is proud of her – the young women has done very well for herself after all she has been through and she knows even if he is angry that she did not go to him when she first learned the truth, that is just the way that Zak feels for her too. That is the way he has felt for her for a long time now.

And their pride they both feel in her increases with every time they see her with Sarah now. She is a good mother (a better mother than Charity has been to her over the years) – and that might just be where she gets her wisdom from.

She is cleaning upstairs when she hears the door open yet this time she does not jump. Zak is going to be keeping an eye on who is going in and out. She isn't scared and she knows it is only going to be him or Debbie and when she gets down the stairs she sees it is the later.

"Oh hey ya love," she says as she watched Debbie put the kettle on. She has been in and out of the homestead so much since she has found her family that every time she comes to see them she treats it as if she lives with them still and that is what the pair of them want. They do not want her to feel she can't come to them. She had felt that when she had been pregnant and the look on her face when they had first got to Smithy Cottage after she had had Sarah still haunts Lisa. She had been so scared of Zak and her she had felt as if she had not been able to talk to them - they had both vowed that was never going to be the case again. No – no matter where they live in the village, as long as their last name it Dingle, Wishing Well is their real home, in her mind at least.

"Hi Lisa," she says as the two of them share a quick embrace. "How are you doing?"

Lisa wants to say she is fine but she has already dropped the act from the day before and due to the fact that Debbie has known for so long, she does not think she can keep her guard up around her and so she can only shrug instead.

"As well as I can be love."

Debbie nods and she gets another cup of out the cupboard.

"How is your granddad doing Debbie, really? He isn't going to open up to me right now, not really."

She was so glad she had come and he had got someone to vent out his own anger to. She wishes it was one of the elder ones he had been able to do it to but it seemed Debbie was the one who was right in the middle of this particular storm with them.

For a moment, Debbie pauses and she knows she is not thinking what lie to tell her but how to phrase what she has to say gently. Right then, Debbie knows she is the bridge between her grandparents and she wants to keep it strong.

"He is doing how I think we both knew he was going to – he has taken it badly and he wants to go back in time and protect you but he can't – and so he wants to go and kick Derek's head in but, again, he can't. And so he has nothing to do and that is making him angry."

Lisa nods. She does not think she has been told anything she did not know but it was nice to get someone else's take on the situation. She knew she and Zak were too close at this point in time.

"You two are the strongest people I know and you have the strongest marriage of any one I ever saw," says Debbie as she tries to comfort her and in part she does succeed. "The pair of you can get through this."

If she had ever met a pair who was going to be able to get through this, then it had to be her granddad and his wife but she knew what they had to do above all else was keep talking to one another.

If they were not going to do that then they might as well go their separate ways now.

But she had to hope they were going to be able to talk that and she knew it was selfish but it not only for them she hoped that but for the lot of them.

ForBelle and for the rest of the family.

She knew a lot of people when they were the oldest people said they were the heads of the family but when it came to Zak and Lisa, it meant something and they were the rocks that Emmerdale Dingles were built on.

She was only able to deal with her own mum and dad splitting up week in week out if they were going to be there to help her pick up the pieces.

And any romantic crap aside, in her head, Zak and Lisa are one of those couples who are genuinely meant to be together no matter what. The two of them apart would be simply wrong. And she knows neither of them would ever find the happiness they give to one another in someone else.

Zak and Lisa have always been for keeps. Debbie can't contemplate that changing.

"Oh but I do not think there is a couple alive who should have too," Lisa sighs as she shacks her head.

Debbie nods in agreement. Of course there isn't. But there are some couple who got through it and they had to be one of them.

Debbie squeezes her arm affectionately as she goes out to the yard with a brew for her granddad just the way that she knows he likes it. After all the years of care they have given to her, the tables have well and truly turned and Lisa is left back inside alone.

She returns to her cleaning with her own tea and she makes sure to keep by a window so she can see what is going on.

And the two of them are once more in deep council. Zak is looking for answers she knows he is not going to find in Debbie and it breaks her heart for there is no answer which is going to satisfy him in this situation.

She longs once more to comfort him herself but she is once more reminded that he is not going to allow her to wrap her arms about him if he thinks she is trying to comfort him for it does have to be the other way round for then.

_**Stupid man. Stupid pride. **_

She is still watching as a ghost of a smile crosses his face and he hugs Debbie. It seems at long last the two of them are bringing their conversation to a conclusion and he has forgiven her for not saying anything as she had known he was going to have to in the end, for it had not been the girls fault. She had been the one who had asked her to keep it a secret from him and if he needed someone to blame then he was going to have to blame her.

He gets up from where he had been sitting with his granddaughter and he moves towards the house. He was going to come in and talk to her instead of Debbie she thought with a grin.

That was what should have happened from the start of all this. If he can find it in himself to unburden himself to her, then she knows it is going to be a lot easier on the two of them.

But as he approaches the door he seemed to slow down. She feels a lump rise her throat as he stopped completely. She did not need to see the look on his face to know it was one of confusion. Then, at what seemed to her the last minute, the longest minute, he turns and he walks away from the house and passed Debbie. Alfie falls into step with his master and then the two of the were gone from her view completely.

Debbie looks up at her just in time to see a tear dribble down her face. Over the weekend she had done all she could to ignore it but now she had to at least tell the truth to herself. There was a distance between herself and Zak. Even when he does hold her... She did not think she had been the one to put it there but then who knew?

Debbie heads towards the door and she makes it all the way into the house but for the first time, Lisa wished she hadn't. She wants to be on her own with her thoughts. The thoughts she knew were going to eat her away.

If this distance grew... if she could not bridge the gap... Derek could rob her of something far more precious than what he already had.

_Please, whoever you are up there, don't let __**him **__rob me of my happiness. Don't let him take Zak from me too..._

_XXX_

The rest of the day passes much as the morning did with the two of them dancing about one another and their feelings once her husband returns from his walk, just in time to do the second school run of the day. Things mildly improve when the others get home – they break up the tension. Sammy has had a good day at work and he got all the gates fixed. Samson got to the end of the story he was reading with the teacher at school.

The biggest change is in Belle though. Going in to be with kids her own age and her friends did her the world of good; she is now much the Belle they both know and love once more.

Her mother keeps saying she is fine so she has taken her word for it. If she says she is fine, she's fine.

Both Belle and Samson look forward to Noah's birthday party the next day and when it is mentioned a look of dismay passes over Zak's face and his wife knows he does not want to go. But it is a normal thing to do and they never miss a family birthday. They are not going to begin then.

She goes up to bed earlier that night. Once again she has a quick shower and then goes through to their bed room. Going over to her draw, she pulls out a fresh pair of pyjamas. She puts them on once she is dry before sitting on the bed. Emotionally drained, she gets some cream she picked up for her bruises out of the draw.

She can't wait for them to be gone but she thinks it is still going to be a little while despite the fact six weeks have passed. She would have thought they were going to heal within a couple of weeks. But they still linger on, like a bad smell, just as Derek lingered at the factory.

Lightly, she massages the purple skin. Her eyelids drop as she does so. It is going to be nice to get into bed knowing once more she is going to have a day off tomorrow. Jai is being brilliant, paying her in fall, despite her time off. He has lifted a great burden off of her and her family.

Even though he is her boss, she knows now he is a good friend and someone she is able to count on as well. In fact, all of her friends are making it quite clear to her and her husband that they are not in this on their own. They are for all their faults and misfortune at the end of the day she thinks, quite lucky people.

A creak behind her alerts her to the fact she is not on her own and neither did she remember to shut the door in the first place. Zak is there. He has eyes. He can see the state of her and he is visibly shaken once more.

Coming round to the side of the bed where she is sitting he can see the evidence of what has happened to her and he is horrified.

"Please Zak..." she says as he kneels before her and moves her hand.

There is a deathly silence. With her free hand she reaches for his check and caresses it but she does not think it even registers with him. His mind is as one track as Cain's is at that moment.

"It doesn't matter."

"He bruised you. It does matter." He says quietly back and even though he has not raised his voice, he is the most angry she has ever seen him. It is the stillness in him that terrifies her the most – he is a quiet storm.

In the end, he is going to have to thunder.

But still, not then.

He gets up and cups her face, as she seems to come back into his focus. Leaning forwards, he kisses her forehead, his lips lingering for a moment, before he steps back and walks out the room once more.

She knows he is going to have to go on, at least, one more walk until he comes to bed that night, and she fears by the time he does return, the barriers keeping him from her will be even more enforced than they were that day.

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	4. The Party

**Chapter 4**

Zak wakes up groggy the next day and he feels as if he has hardly been to bed; and he feels that way because it is the truth. He did not get to bed till a lot later than he ordinarily did. He had been unable to face it.

Part of him does feel awful for that. When he recalls how he had held Lisa through the previous night and how well she had slept he knew he should go to her and be at her side – but it had been impossibility...

Especially after he had seen the physical marks of what he had done to her. He just could not do it.

He had felt as if he had been going to be sick after he had seen the bruises on his wife's arms, the physical reminders of her terror. But in the end it had been just another thing he had been unable to do. Couldn't even vomit right... And so he had gone down to the village and he had walked around. In spite of the by then relatively late hour for a week day, he had felt very little inclination to go home.

The only time he had paused was when he had been outside the Woolie – he felt as if he had been daring himself to go insider. Ale would at least dull his memory.

He did not think he was going to be able to face his neighbours after what he had permitted to happen to his wife though. He did not want to see the way they looked at him. He was meant to keep her out of harm's way and he had failed in the worst way he could.

Every time he remembered, he could hear her in his ears, screaming for help. And yet he had done nothing.

The fact he had no way of knowing did not make it better and unless it was Lisa, he was not sure he wasn't going to hit the next person who told him that.

Before he had even decided in his mind where he was going to go, his feet seemed to make up their mind for him. Pushing open the old mental gate that screeched when he did so, he suddenly found himself inside the grave yard at the bottom of the village and then in front of the graves of his dead sons.

Ever since he had lost Ben he had visited at least once a week. The grave stone before him even more than the land he lives on is going to keep him in Emmerdale till the day he died.

He could not leave his lads.

Kneeling before the grave he feels the lump in his throat get bigger and bigger. He feels more lost than he has in years – life did not make a lot of sense to the man at that moment. The more he lives, the more he reads, the more he knows, the less rhythm and rhyme to the world. How was he meant to chart of safe course for his surviving children? Maybe due to the loss of the two boys, he can imagine the nightmare situation where he lives past Sammy and Tina, and god forbid, he can even imagine what it would be to outlive Belle...

His hand reached out to touch the stone, wishing he can break through it to get to his boys, his alive sons. He craves nothing more to see the two of them breathing one more at that moment. He knows no father should never have to go through this. To have one son die before you was unnatural. But to have two sons die before you was more than unnatural...

He was convinced it was – among – the most painful things a man could go through.

When a baby dies, it is the mother who gets the majority of the sympathy.

But his sons had died in their prime when they were on the very cusp of life – they were just about grown men – still needing a father's guidance – but in essence they had been grown. And he had been fiercely proud of both of them, though he had failed to admit it to their faces.

But what hurt the most – what hurt him the most – was that, unlike with a baby, he had had a chance to see them grow. He had been the one who had held them just minutes after they had been born. He had been the one to hear their very first words. He had helped the pair of them take their very first steps and he had held them when they had fell down.

They had been his boys more than they had been Nellie's from the start. Nathan had been a mummy's boy and he thought Tina had been closer to her mother than him from an early age as well. As for Sam, he had been a different kettle of fish altogether.

But the two middle sons born to him had been the ones who had done him proud and who he had felt he had been closer to. When Ben had been alive he had been able to see who was going to be head of the family once he was gone, the boy had been a link in the circle of their families life. When he had been hit by the tragedy of his first son, it had not taken him too long to see that Butch could fulfil that position.

And then once more his hope was taken from him.

Tears begun to leak on his cheeks, not only for the boys but for his wife as well and for what he had – what he had not done, what he had not said or seen.

"Just one more day," he whispered to the wind. _Give me just one last day with the boys..._

He was beginning to fear when he reached the position in his life when his mind turned to leaving this earth, when he looked back; all he was going to see was a life time or deep regret. Regret that he had not been there for those he did love the most.

If he could go back in time could he have his time again then he would. It was not that he had made a mess of his own life but the things he had allowed to happen to those he loved the most were unforgiveable. If he could only have stopped Ben fighting; Butch getting on that bloody bus; Lisa going to work. He wants them safe once more.

He wondered why Lisa was still up at Wishing Well. Surely it would be better for her to go and find a man who could keep the vows he had made to her – if only she would allow him to do something then he would feel as if he were a worthy husband once more.

But no matter how much he loved Sam and Belle, and little Samson, as he had sat there, he felt there was nothing he could do to be a worthy father to his children again. When he shut eyes he could still hear Ben and Butch's first newborn cries and how light they had been when the pair of them had been placed in his arms.

His baby boys – the most innocent wee lads to ever come into the world.

"I am so sorry." He said to the head stone that would in a hundred years time be the only reminder that the two of the had for five minutes walked on the earth's surface.

He had been there for a while when he heard the tell tale signs of footsteps behind him. No one was allowed to have too much privacy for too long in their village.

"I do not know how you got through it," Laurel had told him gently. "It was bad enough losing Daniel but," she was lost for words.

Kneeling down by her friend, she sighed.

"There is something so wrong about this – us two parents still here, three sons gone before us." Zak sighed.

Taking his hand, the two of them shared the same pain. The platonic strength between the two of them seemed to have grown in the wake of what had happened to Lisa. And the two of them had had the bond of the boys which was between them.

"I don't know Zak – I can't explain it and I do not want to. It's the cruellest thing in the world."

Even as the two of them had sat there she had known she ought to tell him to be strong for his wife. But she knew he was doing his best and the hole he was in at that moment had to seem all consuming to him. He just had to work through it the best and quickest way he could. And she knew when life got too hard for her at times she retreated to be with her own son.

"Eleven years next week since Butch went – it doesn't seem real."

There were no words she was going to be able to give him to comfort him and she knew it and so she just put her head on his shoulder to try and hide her tears.

She knew well enough there were those who doubted the Dingles integrity but she did not think she had ever met a family with a bigger sets of hearts.

XXX

The days begins as the others since Lisa told him e with him taking their daughter to school. To Zak it is beginning to seem as if the only untainted thing in his world is Belle and Sam. Sam might be over thirty but due to his difficulties, he knows he is going to see the lad as a child long after Belle. And he needs to protect them both.

On the way in Belle chatters on about the Hotton Party bus Jai has hired for Noah's birthday that afternoon. She can't wait for it. He is reminded deep down; she is still a young child, even if she did moan about going to play scheme in half term.

But he can certainly wait. If he had his way then they would not even be going that afternoon. But he knows if Lisa has found the strength then he has to as well.

After a quick breakfast with his wife on his return he soon takes Alfie out for his walk trying to get his head round it all but he knows he can't. If the truth is known he is only getting more and more confused.

He feels as if he is grieving but there is no dead body to see, no funeral to attend.

His bones have never ached as they do just then. He is not as young as he was – but neither does he think he is an old man yet. Old men don't feel such anger.

When the children and he return from the second school run of the day, he sees Lisa has done herself up for the party. He does not know why she is doing this to herself. Wasn't Sunday hard enough?

He thinks she looks lovely – not that she doesn't always look nice like, but...

And yet even though part of him knows she has never needed him to compliment her so much in her life, he can't bring himself too.

It is too much of an ask.

He does not want to say anything that might make her feel uncomfortable about him. And so he bits his tongue.

Before he knows it they are on their way over to Holdgate and as he feared the place really is swarming with kids. He can normally put up with it for his families sake, but just then -

He knows he is bad tempered throughout the party, even with the little birthday boy, who quickly backs off from his great uncle when Zak barks a reply at a question he did not even listen too. He refuses the drinks he is offered, even when Lisa says yes and he yells at the kids when they run about the house.

He can feel the family's eyes on him, always at least one pair. He knows they are not used to him like this. Debbie in particular he knows remains concerned about him.

He thinks he is normally one of the very strongest links in the chain but he does not think any of them think he is that day.

It is as if they are just waiting for him to kick off.

The only time that he feels the pressure is lifted off him is when Cain comes in.

He really does despair at his son and his niece. He knows it is incest and he should not want them together but after seeing them trying to work at it as they have been, he cannot help routing for the pair of them. Charity he knows is the only women in the world who his son can be happy with. If they are not together then he is always going to be able to find someone to fill her shoes but they are never going to bring him true satisfaction.

Why the two of them can't just settle down and be there for Debbie as they should be, he is never going to know. It is another of the world's mysteries.

But the fact that he is comparing himself to his head strong and volatile son tells him he has to he out of there and really pull himself back together.

He is head of the family.

And _the centre has to hold._

When the party at last comes to its end (thank god!) the younger members of his clan suggest they go for a drink. The thinking seems to be that the kids have had their party and now they want their's.

But he still does not think he can face it.

Once more, his wife disagrees with him.

She does want a drink and tells Chas and Debbie if they are going then she will more than happily go with them.

Zak, unwittingly, has just nominated himself and Sammy for babysitting.

XXX

In spite of the cold, Zak spends the evening out of doors.

He is not going to settle and he is sick to the back teeth of trying and so he gets on with all the bits he had been trying so hard not to such as mucking out Hamish – it is a dirty job but someone has to do it.

He does not know why but part of him is angry with his wife that she went out with their family that night. She is doing the right thing and she is dealing so well with what happened to her.

But for the love of her he cannot.

He cannot forget the way that Derek must have held her. He sees the two of them kissing every time he shuts his eyes. And when is thinking on it, at times, it seems to him at times she willingly gave herself to his friend even though he believes with all his heart that she did not; for his wife is not made from the same cloth as women such as Charity.

She is down to earth, kind and loving. And she is the very definition loyalty.

And yet suddenly he is able to picture her as clear as day in his mind with another man and even though it was not consensual it haunts him.

To think of another man touching – feeling – the body which belongs to his wife and in some ways to him made part of him –

There were no words for the way it made him feel.

Their very marriage had been violated.

As the night draws on he comes round to his wife's way of thinking – if only a little. She is an outgoing woman who enjoys socialising and she in right in that she should not allow that monster to rob her of her pleasures.

They do have to get on with their lives.

He knows the two of them are not the first marriage couple on earth to go through something such as this – and the saddest fact in the world is that they are not going to be the last, even if it feels they are the only ones.

They will pull through it somehow – he just needs to figure the how out.

He is just wondering where she is as Sam puts the kids to bed; Sarah and Noah too as they have agreed to keep them for the evening. Maybe once he has feed the pigs he will go and get her.

But as he puts the food in the troughs he hears the tell tale footsteps coming up there drive and he is shocked to see his wife there.

"_Why did you walk back on your own?"_ it is the last thing he wants her to be doing after all she has been through.

But from somewhere, she is getting her strength and she is a lot like the old Lisa once more that day. She has seemed to gather a small bit of her confidence and used it to grab on to some normality.

He knows why she did not ring for him to met her; it is because she is not going to allow Derek to turn her into a victim who is reliant on him for every little thing. That is just not who she is and she does not want to be that sort of person.

And so she walked home on her own because she is used to it. She has done it one hundred times over in the past.

He feels her eyes on him and they are nevertheless sympathetic. He does not want to see it in her eye though so he turns away a little.

Inside he knows there is no harm done – she walked back on her own and she got there fine. Part of him feels as if he should see it as a good thing that she is just getting on with it. But he wants to be there for her more than anything else he has ever wanted in his life. And she is not allowing him to be it seems sometimes.

"_Look, I know today's been hard," she tells him gently. "But life has to go on. And it will. People will forget."_

He knows all of what she told him but the fact is they are never going to be able to forget this are they? Even though she is the one who is carrying the scars they are both going to go to their graves with this hurt green.

And even if people, their friends forget what has gone on he is never going too. It is now part of the tapestry of their marriage. It is among the very darkest period they have yet been through and he knows they are not yet out of it.

"_I wonder what they think of me," he admits to her._

He knew what he would think of himself if he were able to see it from the other side. That he had failed and that he was not worthy to lick Lisa's shoes. But then that was the way that he thought already.

His wife is braver than he can ever hope to be.

"_That you are doing your best."_

Which is not good enough it seems to him.

"_We have been through some tough times and we got through them, and we are going to get through this too."_

It is what he had been telling himself for days although it has not yet penetrated his thick skull. He knows she is speaking the truth.

"_Aye. You go in love and I will see you in a bit."_ He tells her. He does not know why but he cannot face going in that night with her. The initial closeness between them when he learned the truth seems to have been lost.

There is a hole in heart and he would not feel it more even if it had been pierced by a bullet.

He loves his wife, he knows it, and as he watches her walk in, he knows he has put a burden on her shoulders which she should not have to bear. But he can only be himself. And he doesn't yet know how to be a bigger or a better man over this. And so slowly, he crawls into himself and withdraws from her even though he knows she needs him.

"None of it makes any sense."

Once more, he will go to bed late that evening.

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